Sin

I know I should be asleep by now. Actually, I was sleeping, lying on my bed, waiting to fall asleep. But just before I fell asleep, I thought of things I did wrong, decision I did which where quite foolish and made a BLACK spot in my life. Even though it is a few year later and I should be talking about it and laughing about it, but me, I felt even worst and stupid and idiotic.

It made a black spot in my past and not something to be proud of. Now, I just dun want anyone to mention about anything of it, not even a word. I just hope time can be turned back to that moment and let me make things right. But I know it is impossible, so as a weird part if me, I really hope everyone will just forget about it and never ever mention about it forever. But, the biggest problem is, those foolish moves had become one of my biggest nightmare. Please, DONT EVEN ASK ABOUT IT.

So, it made me thought and thought.
I found out sometimes I'm just such a jerk. I force my friends to do things they dont want to. I fell so selfish and ashame of myself. AND if anyone if you reading this post here had been force by me to do anything you dont want to, I sincerely appologise. I just don't know what I was doing at that moment.

For 19 years of my life, I found out that I really cant do anything thinking at the 1st moment things happen and I'll just do or say stupid things. All the thinking comes after I do or say. I tried to think before doing or saying, but my brain just freeze. Nothing comes out at the first moment and I had to react, or else the scene will not be able to continue.

All of those things that I had done had now become my biggest fear. I just cannot let it go, I dont know why it just stick to my brain and I'll remember about it now and then. I really can feel the sinfulness. It doesnt feel nice.

I really want to apologise to everyone of you for anything that I had said, done, caused anyone of you to be angry of me. Please kindly tell me about what I had done. You can call me or msg me to tell me. I'm ready to hear things I did that makes you dont like me ( I know no one can make everyone to like you, but I just want to know so that I wont be repeating the same mistake ). I need help to be a better person. Telling me can really help me to change. If in the future I still do things like that, please tell me so I'll know what to do and what not and stupid to do.

*This post is not specifically for any person but really for all of my friends.

Always as it is

despite all that i wrote...
i'm tired...
i want to rest

2 October 2009

It's october now. 2 more months to my finals again... Really wondering now, why t.h. I chose this hectic program. Lecturers always tell us ACCA=no life, and I know that this is the truth, but I am still refusing to give up my life and change it into studies.


Now, I start to dream. (Hey, I know it's dreaming, but still have to have a dream before getting motivated, right!?!? )I dream of my future. Just a few weeks ago I thought of going to a vacation in Club Med, then out of no where, I have a thought of working there! How random. Now, I start to collect my motivations. I know it's a bit late and getting over CAT, you might think I don't need to get motivated and instead, I SHOULD BE motivated a long long time ago. But guess what? I hated CAT from the begining and I slacked through the whole process. I was wasting all my time on useless stuff, watching tv, doing nothing, etc and still am wasting some of my time, but at least I myself felt that I have a dream now. I want to graduate in june 2011. I am pending on my long vacation after ACCA! Even though I'm still lazy now, but I feel the "want" to study now. I want to plan my long vacation. I want to enjoy it. AND that's why I must study now. After the vacation, I want to find myself a job, no matter what is that, I want a job, I want to wear formal clothes to work(i know the last one sound a bit lunatic).


So, now onwards, no more failing. I want to get my first class OBU and it has to be an average of not less that 69/68/65(I don't know the marks, but I'm giving myself a 70). After the F level, I want a prize in P level. Gold, Silver, Bronze, either one will be good. Hahaha~ I know it sounds a lot too over. Doesn't sounds like what I'm capable of. But, that'll be always my dream and I'll have to kick some ass to do that! This batch of ACCA grads only have 117 of them in sunway, and I really hope one day I can be one of them! Hopefully it'll be granted in 2011. Let's pray for me(to study real hard).


But! I still want a life while achieving that. A life of my own, not just books, studying, highlighting, underlining, answering... I still want to hang out with friends, relax and last but not least, sleep early(hahaha).

Ahem... so, I think I have nothing more to write now...

signing off for now~