Sin

I know I should be asleep by now. Actually, I was sleeping, lying on my bed, waiting to fall asleep. But just before I fell asleep, I thought of things I did wrong, decision I did which where quite foolish and made a BLACK spot in my life. Even though it is a few year later and I should be talking about it and laughing about it, but me, I felt even worst and stupid and idiotic.

It made a black spot in my past and not something to be proud of. Now, I just dun want anyone to mention about anything of it, not even a word. I just hope time can be turned back to that moment and let me make things right. But I know it is impossible, so as a weird part if me, I really hope everyone will just forget about it and never ever mention about it forever. But, the biggest problem is, those foolish moves had become one of my biggest nightmare. Please, DONT EVEN ASK ABOUT IT.

So, it made me thought and thought.
I found out sometimes I'm just such a jerk. I force my friends to do things they dont want to. I fell so selfish and ashame of myself. AND if anyone if you reading this post here had been force by me to do anything you dont want to, I sincerely appologise. I just don't know what I was doing at that moment.

For 19 years of my life, I found out that I really cant do anything thinking at the 1st moment things happen and I'll just do or say stupid things. All the thinking comes after I do or say. I tried to think before doing or saying, but my brain just freeze. Nothing comes out at the first moment and I had to react, or else the scene will not be able to continue.

All of those things that I had done had now become my biggest fear. I just cannot let it go, I dont know why it just stick to my brain and I'll remember about it now and then. I really can feel the sinfulness. It doesnt feel nice.

I really want to apologise to everyone of you for anything that I had said, done, caused anyone of you to be angry of me. Please kindly tell me about what I had done. You can call me or msg me to tell me. I'm ready to hear things I did that makes you dont like me ( I know no one can make everyone to like you, but I just want to know so that I wont be repeating the same mistake ). I need help to be a better person. Telling me can really help me to change. If in the future I still do things like that, please tell me so I'll know what to do and what not and stupid to do.

*This post is not specifically for any person but really for all of my friends.

Always as it is

despite all that i wrote...
i'm tired...
i want to rest

2 October 2009

It's october now. 2 more months to my finals again... Really wondering now, why t.h. I chose this hectic program. Lecturers always tell us ACCA=no life, and I know that this is the truth, but I am still refusing to give up my life and change it into studies.


Now, I start to dream. (Hey, I know it's dreaming, but still have to have a dream before getting motivated, right!?!? )I dream of my future. Just a few weeks ago I thought of going to a vacation in Club Med, then out of no where, I have a thought of working there! How random. Now, I start to collect my motivations. I know it's a bit late and getting over CAT, you might think I don't need to get motivated and instead, I SHOULD BE motivated a long long time ago. But guess what? I hated CAT from the begining and I slacked through the whole process. I was wasting all my time on useless stuff, watching tv, doing nothing, etc and still am wasting some of my time, but at least I myself felt that I have a dream now. I want to graduate in june 2011. I am pending on my long vacation after ACCA! Even though I'm still lazy now, but I feel the "want" to study now. I want to plan my long vacation. I want to enjoy it. AND that's why I must study now. After the vacation, I want to find myself a job, no matter what is that, I want a job, I want to wear formal clothes to work(i know the last one sound a bit lunatic).


So, now onwards, no more failing. I want to get my first class OBU and it has to be an average of not less that 69/68/65(I don't know the marks, but I'm giving myself a 70). After the F level, I want a prize in P level. Gold, Silver, Bronze, either one will be good. Hahaha~ I know it sounds a lot too over. Doesn't sounds like what I'm capable of. But, that'll be always my dream and I'll have to kick some ass to do that! This batch of ACCA grads only have 117 of them in sunway, and I really hope one day I can be one of them! Hopefully it'll be granted in 2011. Let's pray for me(to study real hard).


But! I still want a life while achieving that. A life of my own, not just books, studying, highlighting, underlining, answering... I still want to hang out with friends, relax and last but not least, sleep early(hahaha).

Ahem... so, I think I have nothing more to write now...

signing off for now~

Results

I'm nervous of getting my CAT results
I'll be either progressing with my friends, which everyone hopes for, or go back to CAT, which I think no one wants it.
What should I do with tomorrow?
Can I just skip it? without knowing the results and continue with everything I'm having now??

After I get the results, I'll be making a To-Do list!
I'll promise myself to follow it, strictly!
People, just support me, okay?
Please do not break my good spirit before I even try about it!
I need to turn over a new leaf!

UpdateS!

hi!
i'm updating!
HI!
i know... it's been one month since i update
It's not that I don't want to update,
just don't know what to write up here
I'm not a story teller
maybe i'm just used to keep opinions and forget about them

OKAY!
so!
I went hiking at Broga Hills with brenda, jett kyii, kelly tan, elaine, kee hoong, etc(not going to list everyone) on friday morning, after sunrise!! lol
It was FUN, but tiring!
thanks to my bad stamina
i walked for about 5 minutes and had to rest
then walked for another less than 5 minutes and rest again!
lmao!
that's the result of not exercising for the past 10 years=no stamina!

So, after that hiking experience, I told everyone I'm not going for the second time!
But, I think I'll still be there for the second time and complain again!! HAHA

No photos yet... I have not put them in my computer yet. Maybe later.

The first time I get to go home the first after going out with my college friends.
Because Brogo Hills is so near to my house!!! hahaha!

Now, my aunt want to bring me hiking in the Sungai Long Hills!
Just wait till I get my stamina back first!

FIRE

it's all gonna be about fire in this post
i'm gonna tell you how bad is malaysians in acting on emergecies
for eg, a fire

it just happened today~
today morning!
at about 5am
at my CONDO, 9 floor below my block, luckily it was the other side of the block~
PHEW....

ok~ i'll start the story
it'll be quite detailed...

5am
my mum woke us up in a very serious tone
EH WAKE UP A! THERE A FIRE! FASTER!
my reacting was... har?really a? u serious????
of course i woke up, saw at my mum panicing, packing the important stuff
AND also smelt the smoke
then I went like.... okay, what should i do now?(went blank for the moment)
THEN only i started to change(i'm not gonna appear downstairs in my PJ!),
then took some important stuff in my bag
and that time, my mum was on the stairs taking the important stuff
i was standing there with my big brother and he just reacted the same way i did
my father told him to take his wallet, passport(cause his gonna back to singapore to work),etc stuff
my mum was still looking where she put the passports, those thing, ON THE STAIRS....
haiz.... what a waste of time... if the fire was near, we'd be so crisply cooked already
summore i got time to use the toilet before leaving my house
about 30 mins later, i think... only we went out of the house...
btw... we did wet some towels to cover our nose when needed

now we were suppose to head for the stairs, but instead
we went to the lift
bro"eh! lift still working ler! so now we're going to walk or take the lift"
me"walk la! this kinda thing happen suppose to walk stairs de ler!"
mum"take the stairs la!"
*btw, my house is on the 19 floor

so, we took the stairs
and half way, someone asked"take all the important stuff edi?"
mum"yar! i take everything edi!"
and"eh! wait! i forgot my own purse~!!! it is still inside my handbag!"
me"==....I'll go back and take it for u!"
so... i ran back and took it for her, ran back down the stairs to meet up with them

we reached ground floor, saw some ppl there... but not all
other were either were not told or they din want to go down... dunno la
went to see what happened and the fire was out, but still were some smokes coming out
and we saw ppl near the fire area still in their house...
they are so near and still inside...

luckily it wasn't a big fire
luckily a auntie from another block saw it and the security guard heard the first explosion
luckily the security guard went into the house the pull the 2 gas tanks out of the house
luckily the house owner and the guard put out the fire asap

the place on fire was just beside the gas tank!
what if the gas tank is still inside!
those ppl still in their house are really lacking emergency knowledge
tell u ppl... better go to the web and brush up ur emergency knowledge
then when something happens, u know how to reach.
u just might be killed just because of that~
u just dont know....





and...
just what a "good" way to start of a morning right?
at least i still get to joke with my family downstairs about urselves....
and... i wanted to take pictures of the bomba guys and the car
but... the sky was dark, just got hp camera, flash not good....
took one, but cant see, so deleted edi
i was so near to the bomba engine!
what a waste... could have taken some good pictures... lol

7am
at last i get to go back to my house, my bed
and sleep again...

just
WHAT A WAY TO START OFF A HOLIDAY
can't wait for redang now

H.O.L.I.D.A.Y.

YeaH!

holiday at last~



this holiday,

i'm gonna learn my guitar and shake off some fats!

hope i will do as what i said~

just like everytime... i just say... but never actually start doing~

hehe~ i know... my bad

me lazy lazy...



cause i haven even asked for the guitar classes price~

the centre also i haven choose!

hehe~ slacking all around....





BUT!

i promise myself, i'm gonna learn guitar!

starting this holiday!!!

it's a part of my holiday plan!!

FOR SURE!

ME and my PRE-exam sickness

just as the title...
me and my preexam sickness....
i really hate to study....










pls la~~
study hard...
just pass the three papers for now!!!
haiz...













the end

TaG

after showing my EMOness here...
i think i should stop by ONE post...
hehehe
so... lets do a tag

Tagged by marcus aka yin hao

1. Besides your lips , where is the favourite spot to get kissed ?
har~ never get kissed before, how I know o?

2. How did you feel when you woke up this morning ?
don't want to get up but got up and went to T7 class because finals is on 2 of june

3. Who was the last person / people you took a photo with ?
erm... elaine? HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELAINE!

4. Would you consider yourself spoiled ?
yes... being the youngest child, i considered myself very spoiled

5. Will you ever donate blood ?
NO! i'm afraid of pain...

6. Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex ?
Yar...

7. Do you want someone to be dead ?
I'm not that bad to want someone to die! Just don't let me see him/her, that's all

8. What does your last text message say ?
haha! this is easy!
it was
OKAY!^^

9.What are you thinking right now ?
going to sulee's house to study tomorrow...
sulee, hope u can let me go kacau u la! but i know u dun come to my blog de! XD
i'll ask again tmr

1o. Do you want someone to be with you right now ?
yes. but if u mean someone as a specific person, then NO, cause... dun have

11. What was the time you went to bed last night ?
erm... 11?

12. Where did you buy the tee you are wearing now ?
haha! wearing pyjamas!
the most ideal place to buy it~ PASAR MALAM

13. Is someone on your mind right now ?
No...

14. Who was the last person who text you ?
Vormie...

TEN Lucky Person to do this
1. kelly ho
2. brenda
3. dini
4. wilson
5. freda
6. audrey
7. kim neo
8. yinx
9. chea ying
10.weng kee


15. Who is no.2 having a relationship with ?
Don't have I suppose~ XD
but if scandal, then got~ quite a number! o.O

16. Is no.3 a male or a female ?
female

17. If no.7 and no.1 get together , would it be a good?
NO! both are femaleS
I don't think they will want to be together!

18. What is no.1 studying about ?
CAT

19. When was the last time you chatted with them ?
1-5, today
other, long time ago

20.Is no.4 single ?
yes

21. Say something about no.2 .
motherly~ XD
she's my "mother"~

22. What do you think about no.3 & no.6 being together ?
not too good~

23. Describe no.9
er~ she's a fun friend~^^

24. What will you do if no.6 and no.7 fight ?
hahaha, they wont fight de la!
OH! or maybe they will! audrey, i just stand aside and wait for u can a?

25. Do you like 8 ?
yar~ too bits~ ^^

i cant!

actually~
i cant
i cant focus

and the fact hurts a lot
my parents dun support me
and it hurts

they don't like it
but i am the one who is living with my life
not them
why just cant they understand about this fact?

they cant be here living my life forever
i am the one living my life
why just i cant live the life i want?
why?
why do i have to suffer with my life with their choice?
why?

audition

as u already know that i am not satisfied with my life
and i am not studying for some unknown reason
after thinking and thinking and asking for some friend's opinion
so i've decided to go for an audition for Halo Forest's 1st acting class
if u don't know what is Halo Forest u can click here to find out about it


i didn't tell my parents that i were going for the audition
just some friend that i asked opinion for
AND i went alone there in a saturday morning~

so.. about the audition
i screwed it up in front of the teacher/judges
screwing things up... just the thing i would be doing
something expected
i tried to giv my best while screwing it up too!
how hard right... with my stage fear all those....
so... at that moment...
i told myself that i would 100% study hard for my ACCA!
and giv it all my heart...
these acting/star thing is just not my thing and i have no talent...
haiz... how sad






so...
today...
their people called me...
just like about 8pm
told me.. they recruited me for the acting class!
after i screw things up! how great~
but i' having my exams on june and i would like to focus on it....
so... i had nothing else to do but to reject the offer...
how sad~ a sort of dream come true thing just basically flew away...
haha~
and now... i can really focus on exams edi~ ^^ better wish me luck~

btw rm30 for the audition is really worthy~
i get to find the answer i had always wanted...

letting go

letting go of something is really hard...
in fact, I'm in trouble of that
I'm having trouble of letting go of decisions made 2 bloody years ago
I hope everyday that time could turn back
I hope that I get to stand by myself
but the FACT is time is still running away and I still cant stand by myself
How bad is it when you yourself cannot do what you think you should be doing
Afraid of being laughed
Afraid of how people thinks
Afraid of being the odd one with odd thinking giving stupid ideas
Afraid of wasting time and indeed wasting time now
Afraid of choosing and now hating what people choose for you

It really sucks when your parents ask you to choose when they already choose for you and actually is asking you to choose what they choose for you yourself
I know. The words are a bit complicated and long.
shorten it=
parents choose the way for you and force you to take it
easy enough?
how great are my parents....
told them since I was a bloody holly naive shitty child, teenager, whatever that I dont want to be an accountant
and now WHAT!
I'm future to be ACCOUNTANT~ so, YEAH! *claps claps
haiz.... talking to them is so hard...
just because I dont know how too...
I really suck in communicating....

I am the youngest in the family... u can say that I am being headstrong...
I can tell you, YES I AM
and I am going to blame them when they say I'm wasting my time
if I am counting, they've wasted my time since I got into secondary school....
and I am indeed pissed off of their so many ways of wasting my time...
I cant even sleep when these things come around my head!
I get so angry and furious until I cant go to sleep
I really blame them for making who I am now~
so coward, lack of opinion, timid, lost

there is so many things, so many that i hate until i cant list~
but guess what.... I still love them, as my parents...
I still love them

(i am so off the topic)



actually I wanted to say that I cant let go the fact that I gave up senior 3
and since I gave up on that, I have been wasting my time until NOW and still going on~
people might think I got my direction,
but the truth is I never had one
until now I regreted like HELL to listen to my family
I really really shouldn't have listen to them!
and I know that is the reason that is stopping me from studying and demotivating me
I get really really depressed of that
that is why I quit SAM and the reason why I hate ACCA
I really should have got back to you all when I quited SAM
NOW, this moment right now,
everyone had graduated, everyone is on their direction
and I'm still in the same place since 2007
I've stopped....

blogging

PROs and CONs of me blogging


PROs

ppl will giv me advice and tell me to be happy
i share my moments with ppl....




CONs
i only blog about emo things... so ppl seeing this will think i'm such an emo freak....





haha~ that's all i can think of for now~


btw... i hate ACCA, CAT....

=)

loving

people,
love your life when u can
enjoy the life you love




how i hope i can do that now




i hate my life now
hate it so much
that i can crush it and throw it away without looking back~
HATE IT SO MUCH...
HATE...
just feeling like letting everyone down...
even myself... just let me sink to the bottom




really never ever hated my life so much before
by the way, i'm still just 18 going to be 19....
how young to hate my life....

update

updates...
1.
the carnival is officially over now~
^^ so happy~
it was hot that day
and NOW,
my legs have 2 colours because of wearing slippers...
so ugly~ haiz

2.
i fail my audit again...
37.6... something like that
as dini said... if u google my name...
u can see me failing audit...
u can go see... i dun care actually...
not actually such big shame to fail it...
because u come take la! if u pass only u tell me it's a shame...
audit is very hard for me la!
haiz....


3.
i hate ppl i consider just normal friends hugging, touching me...
just have the "yucks" factor to me...
so uncomfortable and i hate it....
summore i'm not so close as u think you are...
sien la!
especially opposite sex
yiu!











just go away~

Colour A Child's Dream

yoyoyo~
ppl!!

there's going to be an charity event on this saturday!!!
what is what?
earth hour??
NO! earth hour at night, this is in the morning till noon!!!



IT'S

Colour a Child's Dream Charity Carnival!
8-3pm
Sunway University College field



if you want to know more,
u can go to
http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/event.php?eid=53816413143&ref=nf




make sure you are coming to the event okay!
it'll be real FUN~






anyone wants to come??

習慣

看到朋友的Blog
她講她中學畢業了四個月，不習慣

想到自己
離開了整整一年多
還是很不習慣



爲什麽就是不能向前走呢？
那一步好像真的很大，
要用很多很多的勇氣去跨那一步~
幾時？



i read my friends blog
she graduated from high school for 4 month
she said she's not used to it


not only her...
even me~ i'm not used to it even i left for a whole year
a whole big fat year and i'm still not used to it

really don't know why i haven move on
just a step for me
but really need a lot of courage to move that step
when?

tMr

tmr...
exam edi...
sien~

i haven study
worse~

i'm not even logged in to study mood~
really curious about do i have the study mood in me!
hahaha~
ok~ worst~

see la! fail 3 papers again! kena BAR from exam then really dai sei de la!
haiz~




darn

Quiz TesT~

looked at my friend's blog and decided to take the quiz~^^


1.Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

2.The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

3.Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

4.The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

5.Your views on education:
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

6.The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

7.How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

8.What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

9.Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.



go try it out urself~
http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

F*C*

damn damn damn!!!
i hate AUDIT!!!!



i hate it!!!
HATE!!!
freaking HATE!!!

just like how i hate soya beans, tomato, onions, ginger, etc etc!!!
DAMN!!!!




i'm gonna have it as a JOB!
i'll most probably KILL myself before 30!!!!
ASHOLE.... SUCK!!!!
and i'm studying accounts!!!
DAMN!!!









































































DAMN IT!!!!
HATE IT!!!!
WHY MUST I BE DOING IT!!!!!!

NOT HAPPY

arh....
i'm not happy again...
AGAIN...
darn it~

----

sometimes,
it is just so good when there's the someone who comes just on time for you to talk to
and the someone just came on the right time...
it just lets out the frustration for u had for a long time
really felt better edi..
even though din really help out the situation
but still~
thanks ya Mark L...

specially dedicate this post to you ler~
even though you wont come here and read this

skilLs

skills are things that we learn since we are born...
there's a chinese saying states that
we learn till we are old

yes... that's true...
in this cruel society
we really need skills
such as communication skills...
something i'm actually quite bad in

aiks....
how i wish i can communicate with everyone...
just so hard to talk to ppl u're not familiar with

boRing....

life is boring
college is boring
books are boring
even I am the boring one...
boring personality... boring topic... lame responses
yes... it's me... don't know how to start some topic with ppl...
dum...





and this is what happens to boring ppl...

taking photo everywhere! XD

my standing turtle.... BLEU

oi, i take you a~

come! look over here....

say cheese! haha...

this is what happens when ppl take ur shot and u're embaressed....


so... next time, to avoid shots that u don't fancy... look to the camera! haha

-TheEnd-

do you know yourself?

do u know who u are?
i know i don't really know myself
but i do know i'm 19 this year
wow... big edi huh~
that's what i thought
for me... 19
i haven got drunk
i haven had a relationship with anyone for more than a month
i haven went to a bar, pub, disco, etc

i'm gonna pass my teen age...
ah... i'm gonna be an adult edi...
haven done anything crazy yet...

i'm just such a rational person i think...
i know what i'm doing sometimes...
i just wont put myself into trouble when i dun want to
but when i want to... i really get myself some crap all around
i just know what i'm doing...
why? i'm just a pussy cat who afraid of trouble...
i'm not brave... that's all

and what i do know abt me is...
i hate ppl controlling me...
why? try being under control of ur parents for 19 years and u know it'll not stop there
u wont want ur friends, relatives, teachers, any more other ppl to do that too...
i found out i really get angry sometimes...
angry like wth, it's none of ur business type of angry
stupid right?

迷惑

迷惑又來了。。。
很煩。。。
考試又來了。。
很煩。。。
真的很不想考試。。。
真的。。。
突然很想聼聼尊孔朋友的聲音。。。
很想念你們。。。
你們在哪裏？
爲什麽我找不到你們？
每次遠遠的看到你們，追上去的時候已經不見了。。。
明明就在眼前又消失了。。。
很害怕。。。
很害怕會失去你們。。。
爲什麽大家都分開了呢？
告訴我。。。
告訴我我是不是不應該離開的。。。
結果傷害的只是自己
傷得太重了，很痛

YoyoyO~

happy chinese new year!

how's ur angpow fortune?

mine looks okay...^^

best time of the year RIGHT!!!

i gambled! did you??

the chinese tradision!

muahahha~

urh... and my weight...

it broke the machine!

>.<

i'm now officially overweight...

my tummy is causing me problems...

HUNGER

ok...

i updated not because of CNY

just because i thought about this just now

going over to england after CAT

sounds so impossible...

look so impossible...

why? the cause of the financial crisis~

aih... i know what u're gonna say

JiangWen u so rich~ why cannot...

HELLO... me.. not rich...

my daddy... not rich also...

if i'm rich, do u think i'll still be here by now?

i should be in somewhere like ausi, NewZ, UK, USA already...

just my parents were clever enough to save for my education

and not gamble nor waste off the money

doesn't make me rich...

uH~ how i hope it would lar~

why just money can't give birth to money?

hatE!

i hate my blog!
hate it when the spacing doesn't work!
hate it when i can't put a cross in the middle of my words!
stupid blog!

Sold Out babey!

YES!

i'm talking about sold out!!

not me la of course~

who wants me??? >_<
my SAM books la...
i sold them and earned CASH!

at first
i wanted to use it to buy
1. the mickey mouse shoes i've wanted
2. the sunglasses i spotted few month ago

but now...
i think it'll be used for

T8 & T9
READING MATERIAL

aiks... pathetic me
turning into some sort of ppl who see studying so important
i tell u BOOKS...
u better be worth it!

or else...
just think what i'll do with U!
shopping just have to wait till another time...

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BEWARE!

nEw yeaR, new mood?

it's a new year
but i'm still in CAT

regretted to be in this course b4
and
i'm sure i'll be thinking bout that again
when it comes to exams and difficult times

this is what happens when it's not what u want
and when u dunno what u want

sounds wise and somehow stupid also

when that thinking comes...
i really feel like dropping the course and take other things
like tourism, performancing arts
tourism is because i hope to travel
and anotherone is because i can do something related to the tv series
since i like spending time on TV so much

but~
both of their money future is not so seeABLE


money minded me... haiz